At the library, you will find...
Yippie! Mom paid off the fines on my library card, so I could get books out on my own card. Speaking of books, I just finished Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card, which was really good, but more than slightly depressing. I also finished Year of the Griffin by Diana Wynne Jones. Re-read. Wonderful. Blade is my hero. Besides that he's thak, to borrow my dear friend Bean's word. It means hot. Mom always tells me to stop using the word hot, so I guess thak is a good alternative.
Um, I think I'm going slightly mad. But no loss, right? Besides that I'm getting paranoid about stupid things, and worrying about stuff beyond my control. Gosh, I'm such an idiot.
We were going to go to church tonight, but Mom had to drive, and then get dinner ready, so we didn't get to go. I'm disappointed. I'm deeply feeling the need for spiritual guidance. I can't seem to do anything right, anymore. Even the things I do that might be right, I'm afraid I'm doing it for the wrong reasons.
When I went to the retreat, we made a list of things we wanted to get rid of in our lives, and threw it in the fire. Everyone else seemed to be really happy about it, as if that was all it was going to take. I felt like I was the only one who was depressed about it. I know from expirience that just saying you're going to do something doesn't do anything to the problem. Every time I come up against something I put on my list, I have to fight hard not to lose my temper, or whatever else I put on it. I feel like the ashes of my paper are still floating around me, giving me a hard time. Sometimes I forget, and do something wrong anyway, which results in me feeling even worse.
Sometimes I think I'm the only one who can't seem to get it...
So forget about the pity party for me. Gotta look happy, or whatever. I am mostly happy, but there are some things I just can't seem to ever get right, no matter how many times they come up.
the ramblings of Bard at 6:02 PM
5 Comments:
Bard, we ALL feel that way. I wish I had a very simple, very effective answer that would make all of those ashes go away. All I know to say is this:
He forgives your sins--every one.
He heals your diseases--every one.
He redeems you from hell--saves your life!
He crowns you with love and mercy--a paradise crown.
He wraps you in goodness--beauty eternal.
He renews your youth--you're always young in his presence.
GOD makes everything come out right;
he puts victims back on their feet.
He showed Moses how he went about his work,
opened up his plans to all Israel.
GOD is sheer mercy and grace;
not easily angered, he's rich in love.
He doesn't endlessly nag and scold,
nor hold grudges forever.
He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve,
nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
he has separated us from our sins.
PS 103:3-12
7:03 PM
Bard,
Your Mom is right.
Everyone else seemed to find it so easy to get rid of the negative things; but it was all part of that facade that we humans put up to impress each other and protect ourselves. Like you said, "Gotta look happy, or whatever." I can promise you without a doubt that there was not one person there, who if they were truly being sincere about the exercise, is not struggling with the commitments they made that night, just like you. And, the fact that you are aware that it is hard to rein in our spirit and be more like Christ, the very struggle each and every day to do the things we are supposed to do and show God's love in everything, proves that you are heading forward on the correct path. We are imperfect and fallible. We will make mistakes every day. The important lesson in all of this is to never give up the struggle. Each day that you put forth your best effort towards conquering your sinful nature, strive to copy Christ's example of a life worth living, and show God's love to the world around you by your word, thought, and deed can be counted as a victory. Our Christian growth comes in baby steps, not leaps and bounds.
God loves you so much. He knows your heart. He knows that you want to do the right thing, and he sees how much you try. He will not give up on you. Even if you think you are as bad as you can get, God still sees the wonderful creation that he put on this earth to achieve his special purpose. Make no mistake; you were created to his plans. Any struggle you have to go through is for a reason. And I know that as a teenager, things can seem so huge and un-fixable (and frankly, they seem that way very often as an adult also), but we can not see the whole picture as God sees. We can never know ahead of time whether creating a path through the wilderness today is not preparing us to be a guide down that same path for someone else in the future. Don't stop hacking at those vines and thorns!
God is all knowing, but he is also all forgiving. He knows what our mistakes will be before we even make them, and he loves us anyway! Isn't that amazing? I know that a lot of the time I just can't fathom the fact that He loves me in spite of the things that I do, and forgives my every misstep. The world we live in does not often model that type of behavior. That is all the more reason to encourage one another and remember to quickly forgive AND FORGET any wrongs done to us. In essence, to be like Christ.
Keep at it! You are doing a good job, even if you don't seem to think so. And I can say that without knowing you personally because of the very fact that it bothers you when you falter. Seeing that we are sinners and fall way short of the way we should be is half the battle. Growing is hard, be it physical, emotional, or spiritual. God just wants you to try your hardest every day; and he does not want you to beat yourself up over every mistake. When I realize that I have, yet again, messed up, I thank God for showing me my wrong, ask forgiveness, and then pray for the wisdom and strength not to do it again. At that point, the only thing left to do is move on and be aware of my weakness.
Bard, God loves you so much, no matter what. He truly does! He will always give you forgiveness, grace, and mercy. We only have to ask. He is always ready. Remember that you are special, and loved by God!
5:56 PM
Thank you so much, Impromptu-mom and Personal-mom. That was really encouraging. I still feel pretty bad (got in a funk again today, along with some other junk) but at least now I know I'm not the only one who feels that way.
7:21 PM
Impromptu-mom, you are Totally Awesome. Wow. There's a special place in Heaven for people like you.
11:00 PM
TD,
Yeah, it's called The Padded Room. It's nice and comfy, with a big locked door, so I can't lost, and lots of nice angels to remind me where I left my keys, glasses, ect. lol
6:38 AM
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